STAT means now. Everything else means consult a specialist.
A course students choose freely, usually because it has the word "introduction" in the title or meets at a time that doesn't require waking before noon. Academic freedom in its purest and laziest form. Also: A procedure you choose to have rather than one you need to survive, which sounds optional until your doctor explains why you should probably do it and your insurance explains why they will probably not pay for it. Medicine's version of "technically unnecessary but strongly recommended."
A hospital emergency announcement that means someone's heart has stopped, triggering a stampede of medical professionals sprinting down hallways like it is Black Friday at Best Buy. The scariest two words you can hear over a hospital intercom.
The foundational principle of medicine that doctors promise to follow, which sounds simple until you realize that half of medical procedures sound like medieval torture described in Latin. The original "what could go wrong?" disclaimer.
The process of sorting patients by how badly they need help, which is basically a bouncer for the emergency room deciding who gets in first. The medical profession's way of saying "take a number" but with more blood pressure cuffs.
A condition that comes on suddenly and severely, as opposed to chronic, which takes its sweet time ruining your week. Despite sounding like a compliment you would give a puppy, it actually means something medical professionals take very seriously.
Medical shorthand for the Latin word "statim" meaning immediately, which in a hospital translates to "sometime in the next twenty minutes unless there is a shift change." The word doctors yell to make everything sound like a television drama.
The art of delivering terrible news while somehow making the patient feel okay about it, a skill they apparently teach in medical school right between organic chemistry and learning to write illegibly. Some doctors have it, and some deliver diagnoses like they are reading a grocery list.
The basic measurements that tell doctors you are alive — temperature, pulse, blood pressure, and breathing rate — which seems like a low bar until you are in a hospital and being alive is genuinely the first thing they need to confirm.
When a disease spreads faster than gossip at a family reunion, affecting way more people than normal in a given area. One step below pandemic and about a hundred steps above "going around."
The first person to catch a disease in an outbreak, making them simultaneously the most medically important and least popular person in the room. The epidemiological equivalent of being "it" in a game of tag that nobody wanted to play.
When a disease decides to take a vacation from your body, which is the best news you can get in medicine short of "we mixed up your chart and you are actually fine." The medical equivalent of the villain retreating in a movie, leaving everyone cautiously hopeful.
The concept that if enough people in a group are immune to a disease, even the non-immune members are protected, which is the one time being part of a herd is actually a good thing. Community protection through collective stubbornness of the immune system.
The bonus symptoms you get from medication that are supposed to help your original symptoms, creating a pharmaceutical game of whack-a-mole. The part of the drug commercial where the narrator starts speaking at double speed while showing people riding bicycles through meadows.
The practice of seeing your doctor through a screen, which combines the convenience of staying home with the awkwardness of trying to show a rash through a laptop camera. Medicine's answer to the question "can I do this in my pajamas?"
A condition that sticks around longer than a houseguest who said they would only stay "a few days," except you cannot change the locks on your own body. The medical term for "this is your life now," delivered with a pamphlet and a sympathetic head tilt.
A patient who stays overnight in the hospital, which sounds like a sleepover until you realize the bed is made of plastic, someone checks your vitals at 3 AM, and the food makes airplane meals look like fine dining. The opposite of a vacation.
In medicine, a serious injury to the body; in everyday conversation, that time someone spoiled the ending of your favorite show. The medical definition involves ambulances and surgeons, while the colloquial definition involves therapy and group chats.
A patient who shows up, gets treated, and goes home the same day, which is the healthcare equivalent of a drive-through. The hospital's way of saying "we like you, but not enough for a sleepover."
A sugar pill that somehow cures everything because your brain did not get the memo that it is fake. The ultimate proof that confidence is half the battle in medicine and that the mind is the greatest pharmacist of all time.
The medical term for fainting or passing out. Because 'took an involuntary nap while standing' doesn't sound sufficiently scientific.
An approach that treats the whole person rather than just the broken bit, which sounds lovely until you realize it means your knee pain appointment now includes questions about your childhood and your relationship with your mother. Medicine meets philosophy.
A word that used to just mean "not being sick" but has been hijacked to sell everything from yoga retreats to juice cleanses to crystals that allegedly align your chakras. Healthcare's most profitable adjective.
The battery of tests a doctor orders to figure out what is wrong with you, ranging from blood draws to scans to questions about your lifestyle that make you wish you had eaten more vegetables. The medical version of a home inspection, except the home is your body and the inspector keeps finding things.
The process where one doctor sends you to another doctor, who might send you to a third doctor, creating a medical scavenger hunt where the prize is eventually finding out what is wrong with you. Healthcare's version of being transferred to another department.