Holistic

Definition

An approach that treats the whole person rather than just the broken bit, which sounds lovely until you realize it means your knee pain appointment now includes questions about your childhood and your relationship with your mother. Medicine meets philosophy.

Example Usage

"My holistic practitioner asked about my diet, sleep, stress, spirituality, and feelings about the ocean, which was a lot for what I thought was a sinus infection."

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indwelling catheter

A tube that lives inside your body (usually in your bladder) to drain fluids when normal bodily functions have gone on strike. The medical device that makes patients immediately reconsider all their life choices that led to this moment.

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cardiology

The medical specialty focused exclusively on your heart and its elaborate plumbing system, staffed by doctors who can read squiggly EKG lines like you read memes. These physicians deal with everything from slightly irregular heartbeats to full-blown cardiac disasters, armed with an arsenal of medications and procedures. They're basically mechanics for your most important pump, except the consequences of failure are slightly more serious than a broken-down car.

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attending physician

The top dog doctor who has completed all training and now supervises residents while taking ultimate responsibility for patient care. Essentially the person whose signature matters and whose sleep schedule is slightly less destroyed than their underlings'.

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diplopia

Double vision where a single object appears as two separate images. Your visual system's version of 'seeing double,' minus the alcohol but with all the concern.

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Benign

Not harmful or cancerous, though in medicine it's the word you desperately hope to hear after a biopsy. The pathology report's way of saying 'you lucked out this time.'

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Lesion

Any abnormal tissue damage or wound, from tiny skin spots to massive organ damage. Medicine's vaguest term, conveniently covering everything from 'weird bump' to 'catastrophic injury.'

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