The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
HR's gentle word for firing someone, borrowed from the language of divorce to make termination sound like a mutual decision. It implies both parties sat down and agreed to part ways when in reality one party did all the sitting and the other did all the parting.
The process of identifying who will take over key roles when current leaders leave, retire, or ascend to a higher plane of executive retreat. In practice, it means everyone secretly knows who the backup is except the backup, who finds out the day their predecessor quits.
An invisible barrier preventing women and minorities from advancing to senior leadership positions, despite qualifications. A metaphor that's unfortunately more durable than glass.
Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act—allows employees to continue health insurance after leaving, at eye-watering full cost. It's the law that proves your employer was subsidizing most of your healthcare all along.
A notice period where departing employees remain on payroll but are barred from working or accessing company resources, preventing them from sharing secrets with competitors. Paid time off for being too dangerous to keep around.
A structured classification system organizing every conceivable workplace skill into hierarchies and categories, because HR loves nothing more than turning human capabilities into sortable databases. It's the Dewey Decimal System, but for your career.
The engagement process between accepting a job offer and the first day of work, designed to keep candidates excited and prevent them from ghosting. It's like dating after getting engaged—you've committed, but someone might still get cold feet.
A contract restricting employees from joining competitors or starting competing businesses for a specified period after leaving. Increasingly unenforceable legally but still used to intimidate departing employees.
When there's little difference between the pay of new hires and experienced employees, or between different job levels. The phenomenon that makes loyal employees realize they should have job-hopped years ago.
Software that manages job applications, resumes, and candidate communications throughout the hiring process. It's the black hole where your carefully crafted resume goes to die because it didn't contain the right keywords.
The art of making an employee's job so unpleasant they quit voluntarily, avoiding the legal and financial costs of termination. It's constructive dismissal with a euphemistic name and plausible deniability.
A ruthless performance management system that ranks all employees against each other and automatically fires the bottom performers, regardless of absolute performance levels. It's corporate social Darwinism with spreadsheets.
A neutral third party who gets paid to listen to two sides argue, nod sympathetically, and suggest compromises that neither side particularly likes but can live with. In workplace contexts, they're the professional peacemakers called in when HR realizes that another 'team building exercise' isn't going to fix the fact that Karen and Susan genuinely cannot stand each other. The mediator's superpower is getting people to agree without technically forcing anyone to do anything.
A life insurance policy taken out by a company on critical employees whose death would cause significant financial loss. Your employer literally betting on how much your demise would cost them.
A subjective assessment of whether a candidate will mesh with existing team dynamics and company values, often used as a polite cover for 'we just didn't vibe with them.' Has been criticized for perpetuating homogeneity and unconscious bias.
A legally binding agreement specifying terms of employment including duties, compensation, and termination conditions. Rare in the U.S. where at-will employment reigns, but standard elsewhere in the civilized world.
When employees receive expanded responsibilities, fancier titles, or 'growth opportunities' without corresponding salary increases. It's all the work of a promotion with none of the compensation—essentially a scam with business cards.
The formal request to hire for an open position, requiring approval from multiple levels of management. The bureaucratic hurdle between 'we need someone' and actually posting a job.
A group of related positions sharing similar skills, responsibilities, and career progression paths, allowing HR to organize compensation and development logically. It's the Linnaean taxonomy approach to corporate hierarchy, minus the Latin names.
Temporary workers, contractors, freelancers, and consultants who aren't regular employees. They're the corporate equivalent of a rental car: you use them when needed and return them without long-term commitment.
Expanding a role to include higher-level responsibilities and decision-making authority to increase motivation and satisfaction. Unlike job enlargement, this actually adds meaningful work rather than just more work.
An organization's reputation as an employer and the value proposition it offers to potential and current employees. It's marketing, but aimed at people you want to exploit—er, employ.
A financial incentive paid to critical employees to prevent them from jumping ship during uncertain times like mergers, acquisitions, or major restructuring. Essentially bribing people to not abandon the sinking ship—or at least to stay aboard until it reaches port.
A secondary job or income stream employees pursue outside their primary employment, ranging from Uber driving to freelance consulting. It's what used to be called 'having two jobs' before we rebranded poverty as entrepreneurship.