FTE

Definition

Full-Time Equivalent, a unit of measurement that reduces human beings to fractions. You might be 1.0 FTE, 0.5 FTE, or, if you're on three cross-functional committees, approximately 3.7 FTE squeezed into one salaried body.

Example Usage

"I'm technically 1.0 FTE but I do the work of 2.5 FTEs. The 1.5 phantom FTEs are the positions that were frozen in last year's budget review." - A fractional human

Related Terms

Intermediate

mediated

The act of stepping into the middle of a conflict to resolve differences, ideally before lawyers get involved or someone updates their LinkedIn status to "It's complicated." Professional mediators facilitate settlements by getting both sides to actually listen to each other—a skill apparently so rare it requires certification. It's diplomacy with a process, and yes, someone's getting paid for it.

👥 Human Resources

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purple squirrel

A mythical perfect candidate who meets every single requirement on an impossibly specific job description. Recruiters hunt for them despite knowing they don't exist outside of HR fever dreams.

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Termination

The clinical, robotic word for firing someone that makes it sound like deactivating a piece of equipment. HR uses it because saying "we ended a human's livelihood" doesn't fit neatly in a dropdown menu.

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Intermediate

succession

The formal process of passing power, position, or property from one party to the next, whether it's a CEO, a monarch, or your aunt's prized ceramic cat collection. In corporate and political circles, succession planning is the art of ensuring the ship doesn't sink when the captain retires. Also known as "musical chairs for grown-ups with actual consequences."

👥 Human Resources

Beginner

Job Description

A work of creative fiction that lists the ideal qualifications for a role no single human could possibly possess. It requires 10 years of experience in a technology that's existed for 3, and lists "other duties as assigned" to cover literally everything else.

👥 Human Resources

Intermediate

just cause termination

Firing someone for a legitimate, documented reason rather than at-will whimsy. Typically requires progressive discipline, warnings, and enough paperwork to deforest a small country.

👥 Human Resources

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