The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
Society for Human Resource Management—the professional organization that sets standards for HR and makes sure everyone knows the acronym.
A legal agreement preventing employees from working for competitors after leaving. Controversial because it often favors the employer.
What happens when your job description outlives your usefulness—you become the corporate equivalent of a deleted scene. In HR speak, this means getting let go because the company decided it doesn't need your role anymore, or simply being excessively repetitive.
An employee management has decided will be the next leader, often based on charisma rather than actual competence.
The panicked attempt by a company to keep an employee from leaving by suddenly remembering they're worth something after they've accepted another job.
Legal safeguards preventing retaliation against employees who report illegal or unethical company behavior. It's supposed to encourage speaking up, though in practice it often just ensures your career dies more slowly.
A meeting where managers compare employee ratings to ensure consistency and fairness, theoretically. In practice, it's where your fate is decided by people arguing over forced distribution curves.
Gradually reducing work hours or responsibilities as employees transition toward full retirement, theoretically enabling knowledge transfer. It's the professional equivalent of easing into cold water instead of diving in.
Continuously recruiting for positions even if they're not currently open. It's like fishing, but with résumés and desperation.
Officially assigned or appointed to a specific role, duty, or responsibility—basically getting picked first, but sometimes you don't want to be picked.
The slow-burning anger that builds when you feel wronged, betrayed, or disrespected—basically the emotion that keeps people therapy-adjacent forever. The gift that keeps on giving (poorly).
To provide payment, benefits, or other consideration in exchange for services rendered or losses incurred—the art of making someone feel better about their suffering through the universal language of money.
An employee who can do multiple things adequately, borrowed from tech terminology. Essentially, your one-person army before you hire a proper team.
Performance-based pay intended to motivate employees. Studies show it actually causes anxiety and internal competition instead.
Informal team meetings where employees vent frustrations. It's therapy, but cheaper and potentially documented.
A service provided to laid-off employees to help find new jobs, often described as generous while amounting to mostly LinkedIn profile coaching.
When another company hires your good employees away. Considered unethical unless your company does it.
A glorious pause in work where you briefly escape your desk, inbox, or responsibilities—or a physical rupture in something, depending on whether you're refreshed or clumsy.
Equity compensation that vests over time, converting hypothetical wealth into actual shares on a schedule designed to retain talent who can't afford to leave.
Measurable metrics that track employee or company performance. They're how HR translates 'are you doing your job?' into data.
A scheduling arrangement where employees can choose their hours, provided they arrive at 8am, attend 10am meetings, and stay until the work is done at 7pm.
A defined-contribution retirement savings plan sponsored by employers in the U.S., named after the IRS tax code section. The primary vehicle Americans use to pretend they're saving adequately for retirement while knowing they aren't.
The HR function responsible for managing the relationship between employer and employees, or as employees call it, the complaint department.
Management's desperate attempt to get remote workers back to the office for 'collaboration' and 'culture.'