The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
Honestly showing candidates both the glamorous and tedious aspects of a role before hiring, reducing turnover from mismatched expectations. It's truth in advertising applied to employment, which is rarer than it should be.
An annual exercise where employees fill out anonymous surveys and nothing changes, yet somehow HR uses the data to justify their existence for another year.
A structured approach to correcting employee behavior through escalating consequences—verbal warning, written warning, suspension, termination. The corporate equivalent of 'three strikes you're out,' but with more paperwork.
An initial employment phase, typically 30-90 days, during which both employer and employee evaluate fit with reduced job security. Corporate dating before commitment, except you're already living together.
A person who trades their labor, expertise, and roughly 40 hours per week for a paycheck and the thrilling uncertainty of corporate restructuring. Unlike freelancers, they get benefits and PTO; unlike executives, they get neither stock options worth mentioning nor the luxury of failing upward. The organizational building block that HR refers to as 'headcount.'
Laws that prohibit requiring union membership or dues as a condition of employment—deceptively named legislation that weakens unions while sounding like it protects worker freedom.
A permanently open job posting for high-turnover or high-volume positions, because why bother closing and reopening the same role every two weeks? It's the HR equivalent of leaving your porch light on indefinitely.
Breaking down a traditional job into smaller, specialized tasks that can be performed by workers with different abilities, often used in disability employment. It's job description Jenga played for inclusive purposes.
A legal contract outlining the terms of an employment exit, typically trading severance payments for liability releases and non-disparagement promises. It's a divorce settlement for your job.
The total financial and non-financial benefits offered to an employee—salary, benefits, PTO, and whatever other things we're offering to make up for mediocre pay.
An employee who reports directly to you, making you theoretically responsible for their development while practically just reviewing emails.
The fixed annual wage before bonuses and benefits, the number HR and employees sometimes interpret as meaning different things.
A mandate forcing remote workers back to physical offices—a decision made by executives who never attended Zoom meetings anyway.
Team-building exercises designed to help people get to know each other. They break the ice in the sense of creating a thin layer of discomfort that melts slowly.
A hiring philosophy focusing on candidates who bring new perspectives and diversity rather than simply fitting existing culture. The enlightened evolution of 'culture fit' after everyone realized that just meant 'people like us.'
The collection of non-salary benefits and amenities companies offer, from gym memberships to free snacks. Often used to distract from below-market compensation with ping pong tables and kombucha on tap.
The corporate ritual where your boss assigns numerical values to your humanity, typically determining whether you get a raise or just 'valuable feedback.' It's an assessment that pretends to be objective while being influenced by office politics, recent memory bias, and how well you schmooze. In math, it's simply solving for X; in life, it's solving for your mortgage payment.
An employee whose primary job involves creating, distributing, or applying knowledge rather than manual labor. Basically anyone whose work can be done while wearing pajamas on Zoom.
The art of watching over someone's work closely enough to catch mistakes but not so closely that you're accused of micromanaging—a balance most managers spectacularly fail to achieve. It's corporate-speak for 'someone's checking up on you' with a professional veneer. The boss's favorite word when they want credit for your accomplishments.
Positions that disproportionately impact organizational success, deserving extra investment in talent quality and retention. It's HR's way of admitting some jobs matter more than others, despite everyone being 'valued team members.'
A percentage that measures how much employees care about work, determined by surveys they fill out while questioning their life choices.
An informal HR approach to quickly checking in with someone or tapping them for information or work.
When an employer abruptly cuts off benefits (especially healthcare) immediately upon termination. It's as welcoming as a metaphorical door to the face.
A diagram showing the hierarchy and reporting relationships within a company. It's the visual proof that someone important than you exists.