The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
Laws that prohibit requiring union membership or dues as a condition of employment—deceptively named legislation that weakens unions while sounding like it protects worker freedom.
Breaking down a traditional job into smaller, specialized tasks that can be performed by workers with different abilities, often used in disability employment. It's job description Jenga played for inclusive purposes.
The theory that employees are promoted based on current performance until they reach a level of incompetence where they stop being promoted. Explains why so many managers seem terrible at their jobs.
An imaginary reservoir of qualified candidates that HR claims to maintain but suspiciously disappears when you actually need to hire someone.
The total financial and non-financial benefits offered to an employee—salary, benefits, PTO, and whatever other things we're offering to make up for mediocre pay.
A meeting where managers compare employee ratings to ensure consistency and fairness, theoretically. In practice, it's where your fate is decided by people arguing over forced distribution curves.
A hiring philosophy focusing on candidates who bring new perspectives and diversity rather than simply fitting existing culture. The enlightened evolution of 'culture fit' after everyone realized that just meant 'people like us.'
Legal safeguards preventing retaliation against employees who report illegal or unethical company behavior. It's supposed to encourage speaking up, though in practice it often just ensures your career dies more slowly.
The art of watching over someone's work closely enough to catch mistakes but not so closely that you're accused of micromanaging—a balance most managers spectacularly fail to achieve. It's corporate-speak for 'someone's checking up on you' with a professional veneer. The boss's favorite word when they want credit for your accomplishments.
Positions that disproportionately impact organizational success, deserving extra investment in talent quality and retention. It's HR's way of admitting some jobs matter more than others, despite everyone being 'valued team members.'
Gradually reducing work hours or responsibilities as employees transition toward full retirement, theoretically enabling knowledge transfer. It's the professional equivalent of easing into cold water instead of diving in.
The carefully crafted fantasy of what makes your company a great place to work, which differs significantly from the employee value proposition (survival and a paycheck).
A public employee review on the Glassdoor platform—anonymous workplace roasting that HR reads obsessively while pretending not to care.
When an employer abruptly cuts off benefits (especially healthcare) immediately upon termination. It's as welcoming as a metaphorical door to the face.
An employee's belief in their ability to succeed at tasks. It's the difference between 'I've got this' and 'I'm doomed.'
The diplomatic way of saying 'I am seriously annoyed with you and everyone should know it.' A polite expression of maximum dissatisfaction.
An employee who reports directly to you, making you theoretically responsible for their development while practically just reviewing emails.
A diagram showing the hierarchy and reporting relationships within a company. It's the visual proof that someone important than you exists.
A relationship where an experienced professional guides a less experienced one. It's networking with a life-size guidance system.
Officially assigned or appointed to a specific role, duty, or responsibility—basically getting picked first, but sometimes you don't want to be picked.
Corporate-speak for 'we're getting rid of you through no fault of your own'—basically mass terminations triggered by budget cuts or business downturns, not performance issues. The nicer-sounding cousin of getting fired.
A percentage that measures how much employees care about work, determined by surveys they fill out while questioning their life choices.
The panicked attempt by a company to keep an employee from leaving by suddenly remembering they're worth something after they've accepted another job.
Measurable metrics that track employee or company performance. They're how HR translates 'are you doing your job?' into data.