The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
The people you employ who actually do the work while management takes credit for it. In HR, this is the nice word for 'headcount' that makes it sound more human-like and less like an inventory spreadsheet.
A numerical rating of employee satisfaction and commitment, derived from surveys that employees fill out while muttering about their workload.
The process of officially signing someone up to participate in a program, class, or organization—the bureaucratic moment when you become a statistic. It's the headcount that justifies the program's existence in spreadsheets everywhere.
The fixed annual wage before bonuses and benefits, the number HR and employees sometimes interpret as meaning different things.
The methodical process of assessing performance, value, or quality by examining evidence and determining numerical or qualitative outcomes. HR's favorite pastime: turning subjective opinions into seemingly objective metrics.
A humorous reference guide outlining the complete job description of staying home to raise children, including responsibilities, job security, career advancement, and benefits packages. Spoiler: the benefits are 'love' and 'eternal exhaustion.'
A standardized unit of measurement representing one full-time employee's work capacity, used to calculate staffing levels when you have a delightful mix of full-time and part-time workers.
Legal contract preventing employees from discussing company secrets, salaries, or workplace abuse, essentially buying silence with legal threats.
An annual or semi-annual evaluation where managers document what they forgot about your work since last review, often contradicting the praise they gave in real-time.
Legal limitation preventing employees from competing with the employer after leaving, though courts evaluate whether the restriction is actually necessary.
The annual period where employees frantically read health plan documents they don't understand while HR assures them everyone will eventually understand the deductibles.
Educational programs designed to reduce prejudice in hiring and management decisions, with questionable efficacy but excellent optics.
Compensation offered to terminated employees, typically designed to be just generous enough to avoid lawsuits while leaving people financially strained.
Legal claim by employees who were fired illegally, the phrase that suddenly makes HR departments extremely cautious about documentation.
The legal obligation employers have to maintain a safe workplace and protect employees from foreseeable harm, often honored more in breach than in observance.
US federal law prohibiting discrimination against people with disabilities and requiring workplace accommodations, whose spirit is frequently circumvented through creative interpretation.
When salary differences between experience levels become too small, creating frustration among senior employees earning barely more than new hires.
The bureaucratic obstacle course of background checks, reference calls, and invasive questioning designed to ensure you're 'safe' before they commit. It's HR's way of covering their liability while pretending to protect organizational integrity.