Prognosis

Definition

A doctor's prediction about how your illness will play out, which ranges from "you will be fine" to a long pause followed by offering you a glass of water. The medical equivalent of a weather forecast, equally accurate and equally anxiety-inducing.

Example Usage

"My prognosis was described as favorable, which I chose to interpret as excellent because I do not have time for nuance when my health is involved."

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Yellowing of skin and eyes caused by elevated bilirubin levels. When you start looking like a Simpson's character, but it's definitely not cartoon fun.

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cardiology

The medical specialty focused exclusively on your heart and its elaborate plumbing system, staffed by doctors who can read squiggly EKG lines like you read memes. These physicians deal with everything from slightly irregular heartbeats to full-blown cardiac disasters, armed with an arsenal of medications and procedures. They're basically mechanics for your most important pump, except the consequences of failure are slightly more serious than a broken-down car.

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debridement

The medical removal of dead, damaged, or infected tissue to promote healing of remaining healthy tissue. Essentially spring cleaning for wounds, but with scalpels.

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Arm Juice

A squeamish person's euphemism for blood, typically used when discussing blood draws or medical tests to avoid triggering a fainting spell. This is the linguistic equivalent of looking away while the nurse inserts the needle—technically accurate but desperately avoiding reality. Perfect for those who turn pale at the mere mention of the V-word (veins).

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Benign

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occult

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Beginner

biopsy

The removal and microscopic examination of tissue, cells, or fluid from a living body to determine disease presence, typ...