procedure

Definition

A documented series of steps that transforms chaos into reproducible mediocrity, beloved by corporations everywhere. These rigid instructions ensure that everyone can achieve the same result with mind-numbing consistency. The corporate equivalent of a recipe, except instead of delicious food, you get compliance checkboxes.

Example Usage

According to procedure, you'll need to fill out forms 27-B through 34-C before we can approve your request to change a lightbulb.

Source: Common business terminology

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greenfield project

A project starting from scratch without constraints from prior work, existing infrastructure, or legacy systems. The corporate equivalent of building on vacant land rather than renovating a crumbling building.

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bcc fishing

The passive-aggressive practice of secretly including someone on an email via BCC to create a witness for potential disputes. It's email's version of 'I'm telling mom' except mom doesn't know she's being told.

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FTE (Full-Time Equivalent)

A metric that converts various part-time, contract, and temporary workers into full-time employee units for headcount purposes. The mathematical fiction that makes your understaffed team look adequately resourced on spreadsheets.

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resource

Corporate dehumanization at its finest—a person reduced to a fungible unit of labor that can be allocated, reallocated, or eliminated as needed. The word used when 'employee' sounds too human.

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underpinning

The foundational support structure, literally in construction or figuratively in arguments and business strategy. In corporate speak, it's the pretentious way to say "basis" when you want to sound more important. Every consultant's favorite word for describing whatever holds up their overpriced recommendations.

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blamestorming

A group discussion focused on identifying who's responsible for a failure rather than solving the actual problem. Brainstorming's evil twin where everyone points fingers instead of generating ideas.

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fmltwia

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