Definition

Key Performance Indicator: a number that determines your worth as a human being every quarter. The corporate equivalent of a video game score, except nobody is having fun and the prizes are just more KPIs.

Example Usage

"Your KPIs are looking soft this quarter, Jenkins," said the manager, wielding a spreadsheet like a disappointed parent holding a report card.

Related Terms

Intermediate

ideate

To generate, develop, or communicate ideas, typically in a brainstorming context. A verb invented because 'brainstorm' and 'think' weren't sufficiently corporate-sounding.

💼 Corporate / Business
Intermediate

mushroom management

A leadership style where employees are kept in the dark and fed manure, only to be surprised when expectations suddenly appear. Information hoarding disguised as a management strategy.

💼 Corporate / Business
Intermediate

Holistic Approach

Considering the big picture instead of solving the one specific problem someone actually asked about. The corporate equivalent of going to the doctor for a headache and leaving with a complete lifestyle overhaul and a yoga mat.

💼 Corporate / Business
Intermediate

COBRA

Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act—allows employees to continue health insurance after leaving, at eye-watering full cost. It's the law that proves your employer was subsidizing most of your healthcare all along.

👥 Human Resources
Intermediate

Separation

HR's gentle word for firing someone, borrowed from the language of divorce to make termination sound like a mutual decision. It implies both parties sat down and agreed to part ways when in reality one party did all the sitting and the other did all the parting.

👥 Human Resources
Beginner

counteroffer

An improved compensation package your current employer suddenly produces after you resign, proving they could have paid you more all along but needed the threat of your departure to motivate them. A relationship red flag disguised as a raise.

👥 Human Resources

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