The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
Performance Improvement Plan—often the final step before termination disguised as developmental support. Plural form emphasizes that these are being distributed liberally, usually during reorganizations.
When employees show up to work but are unproductive due to illness, burnout, or other issues. The zombie state of being physically present while mentally checked out or too sick to function.
A mythical perfect candidate who meets every single requirement on an impossibly specific job description. Recruiters hunt for them despite knowing they don't exist outside of HR fever dreams.
A manager who still does individual contributor work while managing others, essentially two jobs for slightly more than one salary. It sounds empowering but usually means you're understaffed.
A formal document outlining performance deficiencies and required improvements, theoretically offering support but practically serving as termination paperwork. The corporate 'we need to talk' that never ends well.
A corporate death sentence disguised as a helpful document, essentially telling an employee 'we're giving you 90 days to be someone else, or you're fired.'
A formal document outlining an employee's deficiencies and expectations for improvement—basically a 30-90 day grace period before termination.
A role, job title, or status within an organization; also, your strategic stance on a market, competitor, or issue (as in 'what's our position on price increases?').
The nerve-wracking trial period when a new employee must prove they're competent enough to keep their job permanently, or when a convict must demonstrate they won't immediately reoffend. During this anxious timeframe, performance is scrutinized more closely than a reality TV contestant's Instagram feed. One major screw-up and you're out—no second chances, no appeals, just a box for your desk plants.
An initial employment phase, typically 30-90 days, during which both employer and employee evaluate fit with reduced job security. Corporate dating before commitment, except you're already living together.
The collection of non-salary benefits and amenities companies offer, from gym memberships to free snacks. Often used to distract from below-market compensation with ping pong tables and kombucha on tap.
A structured approach to correcting employee behavior through escalating consequences—verbal warning, written warning, suspension, termination. The corporate equivalent of 'three strikes you're out,' but with more paperwork.
The theory that employees are promoted based on current performance until they reach a level of incompetence where they stop being promoted. Explains why so many managers seem terrible at their jobs.
Gradually reducing work hours or responsibilities as employees transition toward full retirement, theoretically enabling knowledge transfer. It's the professional equivalent of easing into cold water instead of diving in.
Positions that disproportionately impact organizational success, deserving extra investment in talent quality and retention. It's HR's way of admitting some jobs matter more than others, despite everyone being 'valued team members.'
When another company hires your good employees away. Considered unethical unless your company does it.
Scientific evaluation using tests to measure personality, intelligence, or job fit; supposedly objective but often validates whatever bias you already had.
An informal HR approach to quickly checking in with someone or tapping them for information or work.
Accumulated time that employees can take off while still being paid, provided they don't actually use it out of fear of being perceived as uncommitted.
The ongoing process of setting goals, monitoring progress, and documenting reasons to fire people later, usually disguised as 'development conversations.'
An annual or semi-annual evaluation where managers document what they forgot about your work since last review, often contradicting the praise they gave in real-time.
When salary differences between experience levels become too small, creating frustration among senior employees earning barely more than new hires.