The department that turned firing into a growth opportunity.
Using statistical models and historical data to forecast HR outcomes like turnover, performance, or hiring needs. It's HR pretending to be data science, with varying degrees of actual predictive power and ethical implications.
The financial package given to departing executives (usually millionaires) to 'land softly,' because apparently regular severance isn't generous enough when stock options are involved.
An initial employment phase, typically 30-90 days, during which both employer and employee evaluate fit with reduced job security. Corporate dating before commitment, except you're already living together.
The nerve-wracking trial period when a new employee must prove they're competent enough to keep their job permanently, or when a convict must demonstrate they won't immediately reoffend. During this anxious timeframe, performance is scrutinized more closely than a reality TV contestant's Instagram feed. One major screw-up and you're out—no second chances, no appeals, just a box for your desk plants.
A role, job title, or status within an organization; also, your strategic stance on a market, competitor, or issue (as in 'what's our position on price increases?').
A formal document outlining performance deficiencies and required improvements, theoretically offering support but practically serving as termination paperwork. The corporate 'we need to talk' that never ends well.
The unwritten expectations and obligations between employer and employee beyond the formal employment agreement. The real deal that nobody discusses until it's violated.
When employees show up to work but are unproductive due to illness, burnout, or other issues. The zombie state of being physically present while mentally checked out or too sick to function.
The theory that employees are promoted based on current performance until they reach a level of incompetence where they stop being promoted. Explains why so many managers seem terrible at their jobs.
A structured approach to correcting employee behavior through escalating consequences—verbal warning, written warning, suspension, termination. The corporate equivalent of 'three strikes you're out,' but with more paperwork.
A formal document outlining an employee's deficiencies and expectations for improvement—basically a 30-90 day grace period before termination.
Gradually reducing work hours or responsibilities as employees transition toward full retirement, theoretically enabling knowledge transfer. It's the professional equivalent of easing into cold water instead of diving in.
Positions that disproportionately impact organizational success, deserving extra investment in talent quality and retention. It's HR's way of admitting some jobs matter more than others, despite everyone being 'valued team members.'
The collection of non-salary benefits and amenities companies offer, from gym memberships to free snacks. Often used to distract from below-market compensation with ping pong tables and kombucha on tap.
Leadership style treating employees like children who need guidance and protection. Often masks authoritarian decision-making as 'caring.'
When another company hires your good employees away. Considered unethical unless your company does it.
Accumulated time that employees can take off while still being paid, provided they don't actually use it out of fear of being perceived as uncommitted.
The ongoing process of setting goals, monitoring progress, and documenting reasons to fire people later, usually disguised as 'development conversations.'
Scientific evaluation using tests to measure personality, intelligence, or job fit; supposedly objective but often validates whatever bias you already had.
An informal HR approach to quickly checking in with someone or tapping them for information or work.