Publish or perish in the ivory tower of learning outcomes.
Student Learning Outcome—specific, measurable statements describing what students should know or be able to do after completing a course. They're primarily written to satisfy accreditors and rarely read by actual students.
A day before finals with no classes, ostensibly for students to study but actually for stress-crying and cramming multiple weeks of neglected material. The academic equivalent of thoughts and prayers.
Passing off someone else's genius as your own—a shortcut that teaches you nothing and ruins careers permanently. It's academic fraud dressed up in borrowed feathers.
A spoken test or examination, especially in language classes—as opposed to written exams where you have time to think. Perfectly designed to panic students.
An Institutional Review Board (IRB) that reviews research proposals to ensure they're not actively harmful to human subjects, serving as research's moral conscience.
A calculus concept involving infinite tiny rectangles piling up to find the area under a curve; mathematicians' favorite way to turn 'add these up' into something incomprehensible.
An ingressive clicking sound made by coarticulating a velar or uvular closure—the noise that dolphins use to communicate and that linguists use to confuse everyone else. It's a sound, but make it linguistic.
Relating to the medieval art of designing fancy shields and making up ridiculous family histories to prove your ancestor wasn't a peasant. If it involves crests, coats of arms, and overly complicated rules about who gets to use what symbol, it's heraldic.
The 2001 update to Bloom's original taxonomy that rearranged the deck chairs and changed terminology to keep academia employed.
A Latin conjunction used in academic writing to indicate something has dual roles or changed functions, as in 'dining room cum art gallery' or 'teacher cum mentor.' It's how scholars say 'slash' without appearing casual.
The scholarly study of music that transforms a beloved hobby into an academic discipline complete with dissertation requirements. Musicologists analyze what makes great music great, then write about it in language that makes music seem terrible.
A detailed academic or professional biography that's basically a longer, more pretentious version of a resume featuring every accomplishment since age seven.
An intense, uninterrupted coding marathon in Java programming where sleep, food, and social interaction are sacrificed for the sake of meeting deadlines. College students' favorite form of self-imposed suffering.
Fancy geology-speak for 'sitting directly on top of something else'; the kind of word that makes geologists feel intellectually superior at parties.
The academic art of converting student knowledge (or lack thereof) into numerical symbols. Teachers assign scores to tests and overall performance, essentially converting panic into percentages.
"General education" requirements - the courses outside your major that supposedly create well-rounded graduates but mostly create resentment. Engineering majors taking art history, arts majors taking math, everyone unhappy.
The eldest statesman or undisputed leader of a field—the person who's been doing something so long they basically invented it. Respect is automatic; credentials are implied.
An original research project of monumental length that represents both peak achievement and the slow dissolution of your mental health over several years.
The art of silently rebelling against a boring class by covertly gaming on your device while the teacher drones on, blissfully unaware of your digital escape. A rite of passage for students with WiFi access and zero chill.
To actually improve or fix a situation at its core, distinct from merely alleviating suffering—like fixing the soup versus just distracting yourself while eating bad soup.
A small single-occupancy room in a monastery or convent where monks contemplated existence (and probably regretted their roommate choices).
The sweet spot between what you can do alone and what you can't do even with help—Vygotsky's fancy way of saying 'the learning zone.'
A sentence claiming what your entire essay will argue, making it both the most important and most-written sentence in academic writing.
Live instruction where everyone shows up at the same time, which brings back the convenience of forcing yourself awake for 8 AM lectures.